Have the best relationship you possibly can! – Valeska Campion

Do you wonder why, just when things seem to be going so well between you and your partner, things can suddenly go so wrong?

There are many complex and individual factors that play into our relationships with others, but the overarching and universal key to successful relationships lies in the way that we communicate with each other. This applies to relationships with everyone in your life – family, colleagues, friends – but most importantly with our partners. It’s true that we are healthier, happier, more secure and live longer if we are in a relationship, so why not make sure that it IS the best it could ever be!

Let’s look at a few simple ways that we can improve our communication.

How does it happen that you can say something, and your loved one can get it so wrong?

• Assuming that you are both willing to engage with each other, it comes down to basic listening skills. I don’t mean listening in the sense of hearing a noise, or listening to a TV programme, but actually hearing and understanding the words that the other person is saying – ‘active listening’. That means looking at them so we can read the body language and facial signals, hearing the tone of the voice, not interrupting, and making sure that we aren’t just waiting until they have finished so that we can make our point.

• We need to hear what they are saying, not what we think they are saying. Then check out with your partner that your understanding of what they said matches what they meant; we are talking about ‘the message’ here. Usually the message includes an emotional viewpoint as well.  David Augsburger said, “Being heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable”.

• Letting your partner know how much you care and what you appreciate about them, goes a long way towards stockpiling goodwill and trust. Showing affection and respect, that you are willing to connect, to seek their views and opinions in any decision-making, builds a fair and equal relationship. We are all different and need to accept each other “warts and all” – this is the basis of unconditional love, loving someone for who they are.

Why is it necessary to go to so much trouble to clarify a message?

• Why – because both the giver and the receiver of the message often have their own agendas that they are not aware of.  We don’t express our wishes and needs clearly, and we bring our own ‘baggage’ of past experiences which influences our interpretation of events. These can all lead to misunderstandings, which can lead to conflict, hurt, resentment that prove toxic to your relationships.

• When we communicate there are other factors that get in the way of understanding each other – we all know what ‘triggers’ means, but do we know what our triggers are? They are the things that are said to us that take on a deeper meaning than that intended as a result of our previous experiences. For example, your partner may give you some advice, and because your over-bearing mother was always giving you unwanted advice, you switch off to your partner. Sometimes we can do more than ‘switch-off’ when our buttons are pushed; we can get angry, hurt, etc. If we know our triggers, which we learn by taking notice of the effect different things have on us, then we can respond to others more appropriately.

Dos and don’ts of communication:

1. It is always helpful to know some of the destructive methods of communication sometimes used between couples, but often regretted, so that you don’t go there. If you want to create a strong, caring relationship avoid blaming, threatening, power battles, unequal situations, and don’t be judgmental.

2. Oh, and we mustn’t forget ‘the silent treatment’; this method of communicating to your soul mate is about as effective as trying to sell life insurance to dead people! Stonewalling means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. So stop sulking and start talking!

3. Keep trust, respect, fairness and your care of the other person foremost in your mind, and this attitude will guide you through the tangle that we call love.

4. Of course, when we are stressed, depressed, unwell, tired, or anxious, the awareness and mindfulness we need to practice when we communicate with our loved ones becomes that much more difficult. These times call for patience and compassion from others.

5. Communication difficulties are also exacerbated by the use of alcohol – how many thoughtless things have been said, and people’s feelings hurt, when people have been drinking?

Learning how to clearly communicate to another what you really want and feel, and to truly listen to others, is the ‘art’ of communication and not something that we come into the world equipped with. It is learned, using awareness and practice, and by knowing yourself – a lifelong task, but a great journey!